2018

2:49 am, August 26th, 2018, Querétaro, Qro, Mexico. I was unable to stop the tears from rolling onto my cheeks. I hugged, I hugged and cried. I hugged my ex-professor of philosophy, now my friend, to whom I feel an immense sense of gratitude because he attended my going-away party.

“A pleasure to learn from people like you,” I said, “A pleasure to teach to people like you” he replied.

I turned, and gave a few-minute hug to my all-time best friend, by then we already have known each other for half of our lives. Then, for the second time that night, I cried with the friend who had been the person I had spent the most time with and talked the most this past two years.

I was prepared to say goodbye, they, instead, just told me “until we meet again”.

The next morning I flew to LA, I wasn't too sure what I was searching for, and to be honest I still doubt it sometimes, but I knew I had to get out of Mexico, everything I want out of life is way outside my life in Querétaro. The first step is to move that first step, right?

I left in Querétaro many beautiful people, I left with their support, faith, and love. I left Mexico in tears, carrying our flag in my backpack, and with our national anthem, and many mariachi songs in my Spotify music library.

The world is amazing and terrifying. It is filled with beautiful musical chords that you can play while you admire the majestic colors of a sunset over our plastic oceans. It is filled with humble, kind and remarkable people, and also filled with bloody “civil” wars, where people kill in the name of an ideology, or even worst, in someone else's perception of God. The world is a difficult place, and the social relationships within it, astonishingly more complex. It is as stupidly big as I am stupidly small, all of us. The human race, our species, our landmarks, ideas, impact, words, lives.

If the universe ends in heat death, we do are nothing more than dust, waiting, counting those 10100 years until we, everything and everyone, is drifted to oblivion.

Even calling myself “dust” seems a little presumptuous, I am nothing more than a speck of dust.

Yes, that is true, nevertheless, we are here. I am here. If I am too small for this incredibly big and rich world, so be it. I still am here, and for several decades I can decide where to drift my speck of dust.

So I left, ready to take on the world or to be massively and ruthlessly overwhelmed by it. So far, what has happened, I feel, is some kind of mixture of the two.

I´ve learned a lot, but the thing that seems the most present and true is that - and I know this wouldn't surprise Socrates- I don´t know. What is there to learn is always much more than what you´ve learned. That's true for everyone, seems sad, but I find it rather poetic and compelling, you learn your whole life, and at the end, to some extent, you are practically where you started.

However, I did come across some kind of cure to this depressing statement, “Just do it because it is awesome and fun, do it because you love it” (with, of course, the side effect that you might be able to help other specks of dust along the way).

So I left, knowing only that I don´t know, that I am young, and always reminding me of that when I feel that I am certain about something. The world is too big, but that is no reason not to give it a try.

The story of why I stayed in LA, instead of going to SF, which was my plan, is too long and by now it is fairly not important.

I saw people struggle, in pain, and also people laughing. My days in LA were numbered even before I noticed it, the meaning I was searching for was not there. Though, I did become more proud of my fellow countrymen when I saw Mexicans work 16-hour shifts and getting up the next day to do it again. I found myself terrified by their origin stories, and also proud of them when they talked to me about their kids in college, or showed me photos of their houses, or their avocado plants back in Mexico.

They, Mexicans, Us, we work hard, we usually, come from places were not everything we need is available, we learn to work for what we want, we earn it. We don't take no for an answer, and when we do, we think of a way to use that “no” to our advantage, that's one of the reasons I am proud of our people. That's one of the reasons why I carry that flag with me.

I´ve learned that there are people in this world that want to do, and are eager for, good. I won´t say that there are good or bad people, I do not believe it is binary. Though, what I have observed is that life in the post-modern world, is hard, not equally hard for everyone, also not fair to everyone, but is hard to come across someone that disagrees with this and argues that life is easy.

I think as everyone has had their fair share of the ugliness/unfairness of this world, it is natural for humans to seek shelter in an ideology, or in some group, or any group, for that matter.

For those who found their shelter in love and giving, who are the active example of kindness in the world, thank you.

And, for you, who have not found yours yet, or if you have been fooled and misled into one that it is not what you believe, I hope you find your deserved way out soon. There is hope.

Well… Off topic.

I have learned that I´ve seen too little and know too little to conclude almost anything from my observations. Though, if anything is concluded from my observations, it is easier for me, in a sense, to conclude them about myself.

I have found, guided by what I've observed, that I have had it pretty damn good. I have struggled throughout my 19 years of life, I have suffered, I have lost, I have been defeated, I have made mistakes, I have regrets, and actions I am not proud I did, like everyone, I think.

Nonetheless, though I have had to work to study, I studied. I sometimes had to work to fulfill my basic needs, I fulfilled them.

I finished High School, I have had several jobs, from all of which I have learned.

Though I have lost family and friends, I still have people who love and believe in me. And that´s what, I don´t wanna say “realized” because I knew it before, but indeed it became more present.

I stayed a bit over a month in LA, after that I flew to Madrid, again, not knowing what I was searching for. I gave myself a few weeks to think and write about what was next. Turned out that was an amazing idea. It played out really well.

I love traveling, I decided to use the rest of the money I saved from my January-August work in Mexico to keep traveling. I bought a camera, something I've dreamed about doing for over a decade. since I was a little kid I have been into photography, though it was never a priority. I bought a couple of good books and some good audio books. I worked on writing more, I took down my old blog, that I kinda had forgotten about, and opened up a new platform for my words and photos.

Throughout my travels, I have seen a lot, I have seen racism in the U.S. against African-Americans, racism against Latino communities in LA, religious discrimination against Muslims in Europe, a lot more.

I have seen hatred, and also kindness.

I hate it, I, like I think many people, don´t know what to think and how to feel.

I also know that all of these problems are far out of my reach, at least by now. Regardless, as part of this young generation, I feel a certain responsibility and commitment to help the world, in any way I can.

That is why I invested a lot of my time in a search for a project where I could help. I mean, I am 19 years old, I speak almost 3 languages, 2 fluently and 1 understanding, I have the time and most importantly, the energy.

First I looked to do volunteer work in Kenya and Ghana, sadly that quickly got thrown off the table after I did the calculations on travel costs, and also due to my inability to get easily vaccinated against Malaria, Cholera, and yellow fever. So… I had to put a pin on that and will pursue it later.

To my luck, though, via workaway.com, I was able to establish contact with a place where I could volunteer and commit for a while, but most importantly, where I could really be of use.

I am not at all able to put into words the excitement of volunteering there, I love to teach, I loved every second of it when I led non-profit classes back in Querétaro, and I can't wait to meet the kids I will be teaching languages to.

My life´s been hard, but I can't pretend, not for a second, that it hasn't been majestic, I have had lots of opportunities and advantages, many that some people work as hard or even harder than me, and not even get half of them.

I am able to help. To observe and learn from everyone about everything. My speck of dust is tiny but I am in control of it, and if I can help other specks of dust control theirs along the way, the drift may not-need be that sad, not anymore.